chercher le bonheur

i decided to take this year off from school in order to have some time to reflect on what i want to do in grad school and discover what direction im heading in for the next few years...but frankly, ive been here for almost a month and ive half-completed the application for the Peace Corps and thats about it. i am just uncomfortably undecided - but maybe the fact that i keep finding things that im interested to see in France (ie film festival in Belfort this summer) and things id be willing to do to stay here (start looking for an au pair job, at least one that would last the summer) is indicative of what i want: i want to learn to live in the moment and i want to un-learn the feeling that i have to compete my studies in the next three years and that i have to be locked on a career path in the states by the time im 24. life is short, ive not done all that much yet, and i want to see everything.

hanging out with george, the wine guy, is like having meditations on life once a week. he's awesome: he has a good business and his own vineyard, but he's not consumed by his work. he travels without itineraries. he travels to meet people. i want to be like that - grenoble this weekend was perfection bc we didnt have a checklist of things to see, we wandered around (mostly in circles) and that was fine. im hoping that most of my excursions this year will be like that - small towns with fun people, big cities with aloof waiters and random conversations in bars. sitting in tains for the afternoon is great - and when i leave, after 5 hours, it doesnt feel like i wasted my time. im just happy and feel connected to a place. im not knocking my punctuality and my city-smart-averted-eyes-ipod-blaring get-where-im-going-ness, but at the same time, im realizing that i need to let my guard down a little, to just soak up good moments without letting myself become distracted by thinking about what im nOt accomplishing.


but im not saying that i should just keep renewing this teaching assistantship job, working 12 hours/week and drinking wine all the time, either. i like my absurd work ethic and i like getting my hands dirty. i want to go back to school...but i want to go back and study everything. yikes. i guess i dont like that i dont know what im passionate about. i love speaking french, but thats lame. i would like to study translation, i want to plant trees, i want to help people be healthier...and i want to know more about different cultures, i want to speak 10 languages, i want to make lattes and sell wine and teach literature and sell kitschy-cool clothing. arrrgh, i dont know what to do! come back to the states,work, pay off my loans THEN do grad school? work/peace corps/grad school? PC and masters combined? translation studies first, or enviro stuff? which aspect of the environment am i MOST concerned about? everything. trees. i dont know. nothing. i could just go back and be a manager at freaking starbucks, and sometimes that seems like the best answer. except that that would kill my soul.

im too deeply entrenched in my comfortable, middle-class, western lifestyle. i NEED to shake it up. i need other continents, i need to push myself. this is a problem: i dont know what culture shock feels like. im living in a country thats not my homeland but feels more like home than dc ever did. i need a jolt..im pretty smart, im sure i have as of yet undiscovered skills that could help improve the quality of life for someone. but what are they? i guess this all amounts to the fact that i need to volunteer more, i should read more, or i should just shut up and find a job that will ship me somewhere out of my comfort zone. ideas, anyone?

i know i need to think about these things. i want to be someone with great experiences and stories, but right now, since im in france, i also need to be someone who knows how to stop over-processing and just enjoy. right now, c'est la belle vie. there are no expectations, cool things will happen when i least expect (hallmark cheese, but so true!). but i know for sure that i do not want to see the world and get my travel visas by stringing together a series of ESL jobs in exotic locales. too many people speak english as is...